Day 5: Participating in the group

Every time I go to do a group call or participate in a group, I become fearful, afraid. I am worried of what others will think of me. I am afraid of judgement. I am afraid of saying something stupid. I can remember having to go up in front of people, family and friends at a GCMA (Guyanese Caribbean Muslim Association) function, and not wanting to do it feeling nervous, anxious, and insecure, because I can remember auntie X and other’s making fun of us as kids when we would show insecurities and make mistakes when speaking and saying things and especially when we were in front of others it would be exaggerated (the mistake we made).

I can remember walking up to the podium and taking the mic, because I was too small, I stood beside the podium and began reciting an easy surah I knew so I wouldn’t make a mistake. I remember everyone’s eyes staring at me, some interested, some judgmental, some in adornment. I began reciting, shaking within, as I heard people sometimes talking or making noises in the background, I thought they were talking about me and making fun of me under their breath. This was very unlikely for many of the cases other than maybe more so for those who’ve known me very well. And, even though, still likely not true in most cases I thought that.

I was naturally unsure and afraid because the times I have been singled-out by adults was usually when either I did something wrong, or they knew something I didn’t know and I would feel like I am being put on the spot and was left out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of speaking in groups or in public because I thought others would make fun of me and shame me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was being harshly judged by everyone in the crowd and people would not like me if I didn’t perform well, and I forgive myself for carrying such burden up to the stage with me with such uncertainty, fear and self-doubt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly make fun of others to feel better about myself and my performance when in reality I was just trying to cover up the fact that I have felt very insecure and unsure about myself, without any self-trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress and hide my true fullest expression because I have been afraid of putting myself out there and not getting the desired response back, fearing rejection and having the need to have others accept me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek approval and acceptance from others, friends, family, and people who are part of groups that I associate with because as a child, to some extent, I believed I never fully felt accepted and unconditional love from my mother and father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compensate with shiny objects and things, and success, and results, to cover up my insecurities in groups while speaking, I could hide my true self with my mind and ego to protect myself in case of any outside threats; not seeing how this was actually physically causing a great build up of suppression, backchat, thoughts, feelings and emotions, that have created a character of Kian (Me) of being a shy person in groups and not expressing myself fully and completely as I would in a one-on-one or in close intimate groups where I am very comfortable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and stick to one-on-one’s because I am actually fearful of having to speak in groups and present things in groups – where, if I messed up, they would likely remember and I would feel terrible about thinking I am a loser because I messed up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and walk through this point of participating in groups just in my mind, to the point where I can mental mastermind and think I get the value out of that, but in reality it does nothing and perpetuates the cycle.

When and as I see myself not wanting to participate in the group, I stop and breathe. I realize that the ONLY way to defeat the Ego and become one and equal with Life is to work as a group allowing myself to be checked in real time always, in-all-ways, like a child that is being raised as I rebirth myself as Life.

I realize that I cannot fight the Ego alone, but instead I must stand and move in the physical as myself, as an individual, within the group so I have personal principles that I live buy that are best for all, so when I stand in the group I can receive the support I need and as well as give support when I see fit and it is practical.

I realize that I cannot win in business without a team or partner (like Asif for example), and to think that I can do it alone is simply a lie I am telling myself in my mind.

I realize that I may be able to get wealthy and succeed financially as an individual all alone, but to walk that journey and to live that life would be the greatest devastation of my integrity and physical body/life on this earth, if I didn’t support others along the way and build a business were I become the best I can be by and through supporting myself and others equally, working as a team.

I realize that I have no chance on my own to live the bullshit imaginary dreams and fantasies that I have flirted with, that have been programmed into me through movies, songs, imagery from the “image-makers”, and this is literally the separation of the mind-consciousness-system pulling me away and out of society.

I commit myself to seeing through the full call today with the Self-Perfected group.

I commit myself to building my business = making money = supporting people all as equals, in that order so I can stay plugged in and continue to grow as a person giving life to all, as I am becoming life as one.

I commit myself to reaching out to others as I get down, or feel depressed, so I can have another point of self-honest self-reflection where I cannot deceive myself in that moment.

I commit myself to continuing to expand on anything and everything that holds me back from participating in groups that have a purpose of becoming the best versions of themselves, even if many of the group members are not there yet.

I commit myself to redefining new vocabulary when it comes to being in and around groups, so I begin to live a different expressing within and as the group.

I commit myself to developing the ability to lead and influence larger and larger groups as I go through my process, as it will be necessary to influence as many as possible to walk their process and walk it effectively where we are all supporting one another so people fall less and less, and we stop all abuse together as a group, and change the system to that which is best for all.

I commit myself to living what it means to be one and equal to a group, a group that is sound in principles of self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application.

Poem: The Journey To Life

The journey to life isn’t always easy,

We live in a world full of war, crime and disaster.

How do we justify our right to live,

When we have not acted on the Answer?

The journey to life isn’t always fun,

sometimes we work in vain.

We live to show who we can be,

Without dishonesty, fear and pain.

The journey to life can continue,

as we wish it to be.

The journey to life is what we make of it,

Like the fruit of a bearing tree.

A Recent Poem

Inspired by Self-Trust:

For all those who have passed away,
And have left their wisdom behind.
It is but a waste,
Unless we Live what they had written--in Body and mind.
The libraries full of books stacked to the rim,
It is up to us to embody therein.

From Heaven to Hell,
Back to the moment Here.
We say Hell-o to each other,
Because that's the Life we have Created Here.
Let's bring about a real Heaven on Earth,
Where the word 'Even' within 'Heaven' is Lived.
We have only One Life to make it happen,
And that's the Life we Live.

-KN

Day 4: Tyrannical Leadership

When I was doing door to door sales and running the laundromat, I would take on this character of the “Tyrannical Dictator”. I would be harsh, lose touch with reality when wanting to control others, and forget about the nature of human beings and the proper effective ways to persuade people without abusing them to the utmost extent.

I noticed as I start to gain more power and control within myself and my environment, I have a tendency to try and force others to do things I want them to do for self-gain (my self-gain) and put others down unnecessarily. I noticed I would make fun of people and pit people against each other like kind of what I was doing a little with Y and Z, but I noticed in the moment what I had done and started to work on correcting it.

This is how we were brought up, to fight for survival. I no longer need to fight for my survival between my colleagues and friends, because I have established a solid foundation. It does not mean that I do not have to try and push myself and others, but I realize I can do so within self-honesty and self-awareness that provides the best possible outcome instead of scaring people away.

One thing I give myself permission to do is to be open and explore and challenge myself and others so that I dis-cover the way of best pushing myself and another through trial and error and practical reality.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put other people down when I am succeeding, to – in my mind – try and maintain my position of success because a fear of losing it and a fear of competition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use information against subordinates and women, to belittle them, patronize them, and put them down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear competition, when if I knew who I really was, I would never fear competition because no single person can compete to be the best version of another on a life scale. I forgive myself that I have accepted allowed myself to fear losing the intrinsic value of life that I bring to this world and that I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete with others that I know I can beat just to destroy them and gain self-confidence, when this self-CONfidence con-fines me to the limitations of fear of losing a position, money or something that I have, and does not last because it was created energetically through the mind, as separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid competition because of the fear of being destroyed by others and publicly embarrassed, leaving me to not wanting to take on challenges.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and reach out to someone to ‘help’ and ‘support’ them from the perspective of I have the answer and they are weak and need my assistance, being the authority figure, when in fact they are themselves a “self-author, self-authority”.

I realize that the individual may just be going through a rough patch and they may or may not be ready to open up, and it is best that I work with them from where they are at and not forcing my beliefs, views, opinions, thoughts and programming onto them, but allowing them to bring forth the best version of themselves by guiding them through sharing myself and my process and realizations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe a person has to be completely fucked for me to help them, when in reality, at all levels people need the Desteni message and TechnoTutor, and Cameron has shown us this by selling the best of the best and the worst of the worst.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have carefully created and designed this Tyrannical Leader Character to build myself up above others while putting them down, just to later on have the situation reversed when I am dropped to the bottom, emotionally, financially, and in social standings, to the point where I am in huge conflict with myself because I can no longer maintain that character image in my mind and as myself; so I flip to the peasant, the victim and start blaming everyone and everything wanting to commit suicide as that character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself actually believe that it would be best for me to commit suicide when I am feeling down and depressed just to get a reaction from others when I feel I am not being recognized, no one sees or hears me, no one understands me, I hate myself, my life, my family and friends, to the point where I would actually imagine the entire process of me killing myself and then someone would find me in a dramatic way and they would be shocked thinking “Oh no! Kian! He was so great! Had so much happiness to share! I am so sorry for treating you baldly, I regret everything I did wrong to you. If only you were still alive, I would tell you how much loved you, and I would treat you well. I would have bought you that bike or game if only I knew how bad you wanted it and how bad you felt while not having it.” And while they go into this huge pity party for me and themselves and starting to blame themselves which just continues and perpetuates the cycle of self-abuse, having the possibility of them also killing themselves physically or just quitting on life become more likely to take place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to kill myself just to spite my parents, family, anyone, just so they would feel bad and regret how they hurt me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this strategy of abusing others with words, also physically abusing those who I can take advantage of, because this is what was done to me, recreating the entire cycle of the person being abused being put in that state of wanting to kill themselves and commit suicide.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe anyone I am leading or genuinely helping and supporting, if we are in business together, they must hate me, because I hated mom and dad and authorities at many times, more than less, and hated people that I had to work with because of favouritism, competition within groups, and having ineffective relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a survival method as remaining ahead and being better than others, even if it costs me my reputation, my health, my integrity, and everything else other than that one category that I put as my telos for that period of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to unconsciously use the system of tearing other people apart to get what I want, and putting other people against each other so I win and/or survive and just don’t lose or die.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame authority figures for me not creating my life and doing what I am capable of doing to advance myself and society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see how the system itself places authoritative figures that people will WANT to follow because of programmed implanted images for the reason of keeping everyone a slave; and to give them all the power for all of the success, means to also blame them for all the disaster, crisis and failure. When it is we, who are the ones, that are fully responsible for what happens, the system itself and the leaders who are appointed to power positions. And to blame the leaders for a faulty system is to in other words say to myself and others “I am completely at effect, I abdicate my responsibility within my role in all of this, and I am not willing to do anything different to ensure we create a new system, a better plan, a better situation and life for those who participate in this world and this reality.”

I commit myself to changing myself from a Tyrannical Leader to a Benevolent Leader.

I commit myself to investigating all point of Leadership where I have steered myself and other in the wrong direction and have had to face the consequences of those actions.

I commit myself to drawing lines for myself in where to and how to support someone and looking first and foremost is the really best for them, myself and all in the grand scheme of things.

I commit myself to learning how to develop myself as a leader and applying myself within the areas I can lead.

I commit myself to setting myself up to lead others and firstly lead myself into a role where I am guiding multiple people at once to really create a difference in this world on a massive scale.

I commit myself to letting go of any blame I have placed on authority figures and realizing fully through self-living that I am my self-authority so it is impossible to blame for my self-actions and self-realizations and what I create, accept and allow for myself and in my environment.

I commit myself to leading from the front while finding the balance of delegating and automating process in life and business, and responsibilities, while never abdicating my response-ability within my role of directing myself, my businesses, and others.

I commit myself to begin to walk process thoroughly and effective while sharing my posts in a group where I can be checked and cross-referenced by others so I maintain integrity within my commitments and forgiveness.

I commit myself to exposing any dirty leadership within myself and others so I/we can correct the abuse within ourselves and this world.

I commit myself to realizing through action that things do happen from the top down and that is why we need to change the system, and not just fix it, because all will be impacted by this one and only thing, and that is the only way to support all equally – through a system.

I commit myself to taking on more risks and responsibility within what is practical for me to do, and to realize that I do not have to overextend myself and to risk more than I need to, to move forward.

I commit myself to stopping unnecessary emotional manipulation to get people to do things and focusing on taking the common-sense practical approach and sharing with others the common-sense of taking an action that is best for them and best for all.

I commit myself to letting go of the need to be ahead of others as a survival mechanism.

I commit myself to putting what is best for all as the telos of my life and leadership, creating other leaders who do the same, where we create a world of self-leaders who direct and lead themselves within the group of humanity, thus creating a personal-directive humanity, rather than slaver and control freaks.

I commit myself to inspiring as many other people as possible – not through fancy words – but through living practical examples of creating oneness and equality; in writings, vlogs, leadership in TT, the SL Club, and anything else that is supportive.

Day 3: Anew Beginning to Writing

Within this new beginning to writing comes a new starting point. The development of Self as who I am and what I stand for as Life, My Life, the Principles I Live, and how and why I act and interact as I do. With the aim of taking apart it all and putting back together, that serves myself and all others.

I realized a lot lately about how I got into writing, the Desteni message, and personal growth. I realize it was from a very limited perspective, and from a place of never really having ongoing unconditional support. Without ongoing unconditional support, it is impossible for one to feel safe, experience trust and express themselves completely freely and openly. From this point, I am standing within myself, as who I am and need to be in order to reach the fullness of my potential; not only as sales rep, not only as a partner, not only as a business person or a leader, not only as who I am in relationships, but as all the above and more. This is what Life is and what Life means to be; it cannot be confined to a career, a moment, a situation, a goal or objective, a person, a group, a specific mission or any one thing, because in reality, Life is full of all of these things.

Who we are within everything we do is the most important part of Self, Self-Discovery and Self-Realization. Just because we are part of a group, or practice a certain routine or principle, it doesn’t mean that we are one and equal to that group within our individual participation. A group is defined by unity; through a code of conduct, how we/they conduct themselves or our/their habits and practices, or principles and intentions. If one associates with one part of a group but does not build within oneself the core principles of the group and live them when no one is watching or when they are NOT with that specific group, then the group message is not really living within them. It is fake, just for show. It is not real. It is for entertainment purposes only and to get some feeling of belonging and/or recognition.

Why is it important to define who you are within what you do? Why am I doing this for myself?

It is simple, because, that is the only way you, me, or anyone will be able to bring forth their core resonant signature and express it fully and openly, that allows and facilitates the impact that individual sincerely and deeply desires to have, and in the way they earnestly express themselves within the movement, that’ll be the exact solution that the group will need to move even further, as individuals do this one by one. You cannot copy another’s resonant signature; you can only try to embody their structural symbols and play them out as yourself; which can be effective at times. But, no two people will have the exact same response to a series of a thousand events, so why try and be what they tell you to be. You cannot. Try, and you’ll fail, and fail miserably. It’s only when an individual unconditionally accepts himself or herself, can they now build a base for the extensions of themselves; meaning their businesses, their relationships, their lifestyle, their children, their everything. And, at that point, one can truly in Self-Honesty, look at what they want to change about themselves and do so with a consequence that is best for them, and therefore best for all.

If everyone did what is best for them, knowing that everything we do has a ripple effect, we would do what is best for everyone, best for all. It is only because we have created so much separation and have forgotten who we are, and have lost touch with physical reality, lost deep in our mind, have we NEEDED to create the term “Best for All”. It should be automatically common sense, to do what is ultimately best in a moment, but as humans we’ve created this manifested machine: our world system, that seeks to use the physical living being to generate energy and money, to perpetuate itself, and through that destroy all Life in the process. This is a manifested actualization of our consciousness.

Within awareness we have the solution to solving all mind and internal conflict, and therefore external issues we face. The singular point that remains true within all Life in the point of breath. The very oxygen we breathe, is found in all four classical elements water, fire, earth, and of course air.

Let’s take a look at the word: oxygen. Another word for the word ‘ox’ is ‘steer’, and looking at both definitions of ‘steer’; one is a noun: a male domestic bovine animal that has been castrated and is raised for beef. However, the other definition is a verb: (of a person) guide or control the movement of (a vehicle, vessel, or aircraft), for example by turning a wheel or operating a rudder. The vessel I am making a connection to in ‘ox’ of ‘oxygen’ is the human body, it is being steered by what we breathe in.

Now let’s look at ‘y’ in ‘oxygen’. A definition of ‘y’ is: “a native English suffix of adjectives meaning “characterized by or inclined to” the substance or action of the word or stem to which the suffix is attached: juicy; grouchy; rumbly; dreamy. Sometimes used to mean “allowing, fostering, or bringing about” the specified action: sippy.” The key within that I got is: “allowing, fostering, or bringing about”. What we experience on an in breath, vibrates, resonates, produces and brings about that which is present within us through stimulus. It is up to us to take responsibility for what we are bringing about, accepting and allowing, and to direct that with purpose.

And lastly, ‘gen’ in ‘oxygen’. ‘Gen’ according to Googles dictionary (which the definitions are from Oxford) can also mean as a noun: “information”, as a verb: “find out about”, or also be a short form of the word “generation”. Within each breath, by the end of it, we process a set of information, we have an opportunity to find out about who we are within it. In the moment of breathing in oxygen, and the subtle gap between each breath, followed by the next breath, we integrate what we process, good or bad, right or wrong, and that leads to the next generation of breath (the following breaths we take). This is why it is important to breathe with awareness because all of our breaths are directing who we are within our lives, and to not be aware of what we are creating as who we are is irresponsible.

We must seize the opportunity of breath, of Life, and direct ourselves willingly within principle to create the present and future that is congruent and harmonious for all that is Life.

With all of this said, I have taken it upon myself to use process and the tools I have available to support Self. Not just looking at the “things” I want in life and pushing myself to use process to support me in “getting” them; but to honestly and genuinely support myself and others to become Equal to and One with what Life Really IS.

Check out these two videos on the earth breathing. Pretty awesome.

Best,

Kian

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r2yLSLmnsY4

https://cosmosmagazine.com/space/watch-20-years-of-the-earth-breathing-in-five-minutes

Day 2: My Ideal Mate

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a skinny girl as my partner. Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a skinny girl that is skinnier than I am so I can feel more masculine and powerful in comparison to her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the desire to only be with a girl that is shorter than me and I am taller than her, so I look more powerful and superior in the mind of myself, herself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being with a girl that is younger than me in age so I can feel superior and ahead of her in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be with a girl that I have more money than.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be with a girl that I am smarter than so I feel superior, while at the same time I desire to be with a girl that is smarter than me so she can teach our kids and they turn out smart, causing me to have cognitive dissonance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the need to feel superior to my ideal/potential mate in every category of life: intelligence, physical health and strength, personal development and in process, money/work/business/finances, relationships, social standing, family and lifestyle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer a certain race over another due to media programming and social influences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how my judgment of women and my ideal female partner are my own self-judgments, and are destroying any chances of me being in a successful relationship agreement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and feel intimidated by any woman I find attractive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself judge women and their quality based on how physically attractive I think they look based on my own biases, fantasies and imaginations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created this perfect girl in my head, that will magically come to me and submit to my desires of wanting to be with her, and in that imagination process there is no friction, no conflict and life is perfect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reach out to women, talk with them, and when it comes to sharing the point that I want to be in a relationship with them and I would like to start dating, I stop there and drift away from them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of what my mother, my father, my brothers, my extended family, my friends, other people and strangers will think of me and my ideal partner being together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project the worst case scenario of me finally finding and being with my ideal partner and the entire time I am never at rest because of all my internal judgment of myself and her, and thinking/feeling that other people are eyeing my girlfriend or wife and they are jealous of me because I am with her and they are not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous of other men who have really attractive and caring, kind, beautiful wives who support them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel envy around X being with Y.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up internally to some extent on having a successful relationship with a partner because I never was able to see an example growing up and didn’t understand what it what took to achieve a successful relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into copying my mother’s outlook on what a great partner should be like, in terms of good looks, hardworking, having a steady stable job, religious, middle class, obedient to the system, not an outlier.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be with a girl that impresses my mom and dad mostly, and my grandmother as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself dancing with my ideal mate in my mind at an event where I feel uncomfortable and shy because I am thinking about what other people are thinking of us.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only desire a mate that would create a good public image for me, and that everyone and all my friends and family would think she’s hot and attractive, and smart, and cute and good looking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to apply racism in the process of selecting a mate and wanting to only select the highest quality of race and mate that would contribute to me and our kids’ socioeconomic status in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in the process of looking for someone who would be a great fit to my life, what I want to achieve and what I think is best, and who I think would be a great mother to the children I have in the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place the highest quality of a partner for me as physical attraction, when in reality physical attraction will not last and having that at the head of a relationship is not ideal in creating a real relationship that is best, or best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to treat women that I find attractive different than other females based on this energy movement within me of anxiety, fear, trying to prove myself, trying to be someone/something I am not to impress this girl/these women.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in the situation of talking to a girl that people will think of me as wanting to be with her, flirting with her, wanting to take advantage of her and have sex with her, in a negative light, where I resist showing who I am in that moment to cover my desires of actually wanting to get to know her and potentially wanting to be with her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have experienced emotional turmoil in this memory of being at a wedding when I was younger and the older people in my family would tell me to look at the girls dancing and then make fun of me for it, so I would be confused of what to do and how to act, in fear of being punished for doing the wrong thing and acting in the wrong way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so worried about what other people will think of me if I directly show that I am interested in a female, that I stop and resist moving forward and showing my interest because of the fear of judgment of others, which is really just me judging myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been trapped by religious programming to have thought and believed that I must find one girl, who is a Muslim and marry her, and be with her forever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and think because of family programming that I want to be with a brown girl and a Guyanese girl so she fits in with the family and understand our jokes so people don’t make fun of her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to mold the person I want to be with to the early programming I received from my parents, family, religious viewpoints, and media programming, to the point where I ruled out every possibility there is, while waiting for this perfect girl that doesn’t exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I must be perfect and everything in my life: financially, health wise, business wise, my current family and relationships, must be perfect for me to be with a partner that is best for me and I am best for her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a partner that is best, as “the best possible partner” as if there is only one girl on this planet that I can be with and if I don’t pick the right or perfect or only one, than I will experience a life of hell.

I realize within that, that a partner that is best, a partner that I am best for and is best for me, to create children that are best, would be someone who is simply willing to walk process step by step with me, and someone who pushes me to be better and I can push them to be better and someone who is willing to walk through their resistances so we together can perfect ourselves.

I realize all the doubts I have or judgments I have about a potential or ideal partner are simply the way I have been judging myself and doubting myself.

I commit myself to exploring every area I judge women and how I look at them as a potential partner in one way and disqualify them in another way judging a specific aspect of them, their appearance or their behaviour.

I commit myself to continuing to redefine what an ideal partner would be and mean to me, and taking it apart to understand what is practical.

I commit myself to developing myself to the point where the partner I’d like to be with also would like to be with me because of the person I am, for who I am.

I commit myself to working on the judgments I have of women.

I commit myself to working on the judgments and definitions I have associated with hot, sexy and attractive women.

I commit myself to cleansing the eyes that I use to look at women, so that when I look, I am clear and can see the woman clearly as who she is in physical reality without judgment or bias.

I commit myself to using the clarity I develop within my approach to creating a relationship with a partner that is best for all, to developing conversation with potential partners to get to know who they are, and what they see for themselves.

I commit myself to developing the willingness and courage to guide a female partner in life to creating a world and a life that is best for all.

I commit myself to releasing all of my judgments of what I think an ideal partner would be or look like for me, that isn’t real.

I commit myself to letting go of the ideal that I need to find someone ASAP and we need to have kids as young as possible.

I commit myself to letting go of the need to be with an attractive woman, that all my friends and family think is attractive to validate and prove myself that I am worthy.

I commit myself to open up and look at all my projections I place onto a woman to be a certain way, act a certain way, and realize this is unconscious programming within me and my mind of trying to control another human being’s behaviour for my mind to stay in charge and control of me and stay superior, and when this doesn’t happen it has a reverse affect where I lose control and become a victim within my mind and as myself feeling, acting, being inferior to the situation/environment/person.

I commit myself to letting go of the need to be and feel superior to my potential mate/ideal mate in all categories in life, such as: money, business, communication, health, relationships, social status, education, etc. and if she is more effective in one of those areas I dismiss her as a potential mate because in that moment of realizing her superiority in that category, I generalize it to everything and give up, feeling powerless like I can never lead this woman, as equals in life because of this one category that I have a feeling/emotional reaction to. Instead of looking at it as an advantage where I am weak and seeing how we support each other in our weak areas because one is more proficient where we together can learn and grow from one another and become truthfully our best selves’ overtime and have our relationship stand for what is best for all life.

I commit myself to opening up myself and becoming more vulnerable to other people and especially women, and even more when I see that I would like to be in a relationship with a girl, so that we both feel comfortable sharing things with each other that allow us to see ourselves and the other person as who they are, where they have been, and what they are experiencing so we develop an understand for one another and ourselves and develop self-trust and trust within our relationship through sharing our secrets and secret mind.

I commit myself to develop a relationship from the starting point of what is best for all.

I commit myself to developing a relationship to support myself and my partner in a way that is best for both of us mutually and equally.

I commit myself to seeing a relationship as two people who come together based on an agreement that equally supports both parties as one. Where they both are safe to share themselves and challenge themselves and each other without the judgment of one another, so both can grow in an area of trust and commitment based on principles that are best for all.

Day 1: Cheapskate

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a cheapskate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a stingy person when it comes to buying things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as less than for being cheap.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others for being cheap.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want things for free.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken free coffees from the OCC. Within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about taking coffees from and making coffee at the OCC.

I forgive that I have accepted and allowed to go way out of my way to get things for free.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect people to give me things and money for free, for having done no work or effort and not providing any value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how I have become a freeloader living off of other people’s efforts and not taking personal responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shy away from buying a new phone because I don’t want to spend the money on it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not buy a newer vehicle because I am afraid to spend money, when my current vehicle is past due.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the fact that if I am not willing to invest in myself, others will not be willing to invest in me; and that others will not see how they can invest and better themselves through my words if I am not following through with my actions as the example.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame society and the world for me being cheap.

I realize that this program of being cheap has come much from my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to copy the program of being cheap from my mom and dad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have hurt my bank account by being cheap.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be cheap so bad that it actually costs me more money in the long run. One example is when I bought a van – my second van – for $2,000 and I got dad and trusted him to do a patch job on the van where fluid was leaking, even though we knew it would have been best to fully replace “the hose”. The van gave out on the first day driving west from Ottawa, and we all got stuck and had to walk to turf the next day or two. My parents had to drive up from Ottawa to Port Hope, which says on Google takes 3 hours and 24 minutes, to drop off a vehicle for us and then they drove home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be cheap with the Mazda van, have it break down immediately, and then have to buy a new van.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste money on cheap products that don’t last.

I forgive my mom for teaching me to be cheap.

I forgive my dad for teaching me to be cheap.

I forgive my parents for teaching me to value cheap costs over product value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value cheap costs rather than product value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have copied that program from my mom and dad of valuing cheap costs over actual product value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have stuck with X because of his cheap fees for real estate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so stuck in my ways that I cannot see the value of something if it is expensive to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how by me being cheap, I am ‘cheaping’ myself out of life in many ways selling myself short and losing out on my full potential in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the opposite polarity approach of wanting to feel like and be a big spender, a big player, to the point where I would waste huge amounts of money on stupid things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my desire to spend so much that randomly I burst out like a floating ball that one pushes under water, and that pops out from under the surface and make a huge or unnecessary irregular purchase that is irrational.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gone out of my way to hotels just to drink their free coffee so I don’t have to use/make my own and don’t have to pay for it from somewhere else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play the shopping game to the point where I am actually eventually buying an inferior product that doesn’t fully serve my needs and because of that I am able to express myself less than if my needs in that category were fully met.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and discipline myself in spending like I am a stupid child who doesn’t understand the basics of money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not follow the guidelines I set for myself with money, that has led me to a position where I feel I need to be cheap.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed and guilty about being cheap.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed about looking for cheaper prices, or doing anything that could be called cheap.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of being called or being looked at as a cheap person, with cheap habits.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have remembered and have this memory of my parents always trying to be as cheap as possible and thinking that this is the best way to survive. And within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always try to be as cheap as possible even if it takes away from the value and effect of what I am spending my money on would have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a saver, just like how my mom and dad always told me I was a money man and a saver when it comes to money, that I push that so far to identifying myself in relation to my entire life as a saver, the money man, and that leading into me being cheap with purchases, and being a cheap person not investing in himself wisely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the character of a saver and being good with money to justify being overly cheap when it comes to wanting to spend or spending money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the money man.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as quiet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as skinny.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a saver.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a saviour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a saver, and a saviour when it comes to money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to horde money in the fear of losing it all, or losing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “save” my money as if I am trying to save it and keep it safe from someone, or something, or the word system itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am in reality better than someone else if I get a cheaper or better deal price wise, because I saved money and they paid more than I did.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play the cheap guy when I just don’t want to buy anything or spend money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “just not want to spend money” even though there is great value for what I can be paying for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the money I have or own as “my money” only and not see that all money in existence will be circulated, and if it is not, there was no real value for that money anyway because there was nothing it was used for or nothing was purchased from it. The only value that money exists for is of use, and use gives it value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the illusion of money – that money rules everything and has control over me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live by the term “save for a rainy day”, expecting that something terrible is going to happen to me or a loved one close to me, and be saving out of constant fear that this money will leave me eventually anyway due to a disaster in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the consequences relating to my relationship with money as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play the polarities of cheap and expensive, rather than just look at what it is that I’d like or need to be done, and realize there’s a cost to everything in this world whether I see it or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be trying to haggle people to the point where I lose self-respect and they lose respect for me also.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose respect instantly for the person who tries to be cheap or haggles.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a poor man, a poor person, when I try to haggle, bargain, or get a better price or rate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push for a better price or rate because of my fear of looking like a haggler or a cheap person, or cheap business man.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny the value of negotiating, haggling, and bargaining because I was too afraid of being or looking cheap.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be cheap in the areas that are most important in life, like my communication with myself and others, human interaction, presenting TechnoTutor, selling, in business, in relationships and other areas that are irreplaceable like life itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buy things just because they are cheap or are on sale, even though I don’t need it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impulse by cheap things, cheap prices, and cheap prices for normally expensive things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not buy something at a really good price that I needed because it felt too cheap, or I was just being overly cheap myself, and ended up paying more than I had to for it later on, or missing out completely.

I commit myself to letting go of the need to be cheap.

I commit myself to letting go of the need to get a good deal, good prices, and feel special by doing so.

I commit myself to stopping this program of being cheap, and overly cheap, and when it comes up in life, breathe, silence the backchat by forgiving myself, look at what is real and what is best, and act within and on that principle.

I commit myself to creating myself as a balance within the word “cheap”.

cheap

adjective

adjective: cheap; comparative adjective: cheaper; superlative adjective: cheapest

1.      (of an item for sale) low in price; worth more than its cost.

"they bought some cheap fruit"

·         charging low prices.

"a cheap restaurant"

·         inexpensive because of inferior quality.

"cheap, shoddy goods"

·         INFORMAL•NORTH AMERICAN

miserly; stingy.

"she's too cheap to send me a postcard"

·         of little worth because achieved in a discreditable way requiring little effort.

"her moment of cheap triumph"

·         deserving of contempt.

"a cheap trick"

adverb

adverb: cheap

1.      at or for a low price.

"a house that was going cheap"

I commit myself to lifting the cheap price I put on Life and our world/world system has put on Life.

I commit myself to seeing and establishing TechnoTutor in my mind as a cheap product in the sense that it is a much lower cost than the real value it is and provides.

I commit myself to not selling myself short and cheaply.

I commit myself to eliminating my cheap mindset when it comes to building myself and building my life.

I commit myself to growing out of my cheapness because I realize I cannot become super successful and stay cheap.

I commit myself to growing out of any cheapness that holds me back from process.

I commit myself to equalizing the money system, education, health care, food, water, shelter and all basic needs to the point where all necessities seem cheap to any and every one, making Life affordable for all. And not cheap in value, but affordability.

I commit myself to changing myself as the problems I see in this world because all outside of me exist within, equal and/as one.