Day 5: Participating in the group

Every time I go to do a group call or participate in a group, I become fearful, afraid. I am worried of what others will think of me. I am afraid of judgement. I am afraid of saying something stupid. I can remember having to go up in front of people, family and friends at a GCMA (Guyanese Caribbean Muslim Association) function, and not wanting to do it feeling nervous, anxious, and insecure, because I can remember auntie X and other’s making fun of us as kids when we would show insecurities and make mistakes when speaking and saying things and especially when we were in front of others it would be exaggerated (the mistake we made).

I can remember walking up to the podium and taking the mic, because I was too small, I stood beside the podium and began reciting an easy surah I knew so I wouldn’t make a mistake. I remember everyone’s eyes staring at me, some interested, some judgmental, some in adornment. I began reciting, shaking within, as I heard people sometimes talking or making noises in the background, I thought they were talking about me and making fun of me under their breath. This was very unlikely for many of the cases other than maybe more so for those who’ve known me very well. And, even though, still likely not true in most cases I thought that.

I was naturally unsure and afraid because the times I have been singled-out by adults was usually when either I did something wrong, or they knew something I didn’t know and I would feel like I am being put on the spot and was left out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of speaking in groups or in public because I thought others would make fun of me and shame me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was being harshly judged by everyone in the crowd and people would not like me if I didn’t perform well, and I forgive myself for carrying such burden up to the stage with me with such uncertainty, fear and self-doubt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly make fun of others to feel better about myself and my performance when in reality I was just trying to cover up the fact that I have felt very insecure and unsure about myself, without any self-trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress and hide my true fullest expression because I have been afraid of putting myself out there and not getting the desired response back, fearing rejection and having the need to have others accept me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek approval and acceptance from others, friends, family, and people who are part of groups that I associate with because as a child, to some extent, I believed I never fully felt accepted and unconditional love from my mother and father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compensate with shiny objects and things, and success, and results, to cover up my insecurities in groups while speaking, I could hide my true self with my mind and ego to protect myself in case of any outside threats; not seeing how this was actually physically causing a great build up of suppression, backchat, thoughts, feelings and emotions, that have created a character of Kian (Me) of being a shy person in groups and not expressing myself fully and completely as I would in a one-on-one or in close intimate groups where I am very comfortable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and stick to one-on-one’s because I am actually fearful of having to speak in groups and present things in groups – where, if I messed up, they would likely remember and I would feel terrible about thinking I am a loser because I messed up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and walk through this point of participating in groups just in my mind, to the point where I can mental mastermind and think I get the value out of that, but in reality it does nothing and perpetuates the cycle.

When and as I see myself not wanting to participate in the group, I stop and breathe. I realize that the ONLY way to defeat the Ego and become one and equal with Life is to work as a group allowing myself to be checked in real time always, in-all-ways, like a child that is being raised as I rebirth myself as Life.

I realize that I cannot fight the Ego alone, but instead I must stand and move in the physical as myself, as an individual, within the group so I have personal principles that I live buy that are best for all, so when I stand in the group I can receive the support I need and as well as give support when I see fit and it is practical.

I realize that I cannot win in business without a team or partner (like Asif for example), and to think that I can do it alone is simply a lie I am telling myself in my mind.

I realize that I may be able to get wealthy and succeed financially as an individual all alone, but to walk that journey and to live that life would be the greatest devastation of my integrity and physical body/life on this earth, if I didn’t support others along the way and build a business were I become the best I can be by and through supporting myself and others equally, working as a team.

I realize that I have no chance on my own to live the bullshit imaginary dreams and fantasies that I have flirted with, that have been programmed into me through movies, songs, imagery from the “image-makers”, and this is literally the separation of the mind-consciousness-system pulling me away and out of society.

I commit myself to seeing through the full call today with the Self-Perfected group.

I commit myself to building my business = making money = supporting people all as equals, in that order so I can stay plugged in and continue to grow as a person giving life to all, as I am becoming life as one.

I commit myself to reaching out to others as I get down, or feel depressed, so I can have another point of self-honest self-reflection where I cannot deceive myself in that moment.

I commit myself to continuing to expand on anything and everything that holds me back from participating in groups that have a purpose of becoming the best versions of themselves, even if many of the group members are not there yet.

I commit myself to redefining new vocabulary when it comes to being in and around groups, so I begin to live a different expressing within and as the group.

I commit myself to developing the ability to lead and influence larger and larger groups as I go through my process, as it will be necessary to influence as many as possible to walk their process and walk it effectively where we are all supporting one another so people fall less and less, and we stop all abuse together as a group, and change the system to that which is best for all.

I commit myself to living what it means to be one and equal to a group, a group that is sound in principles of self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application.