Day 9: Structure and Discipline = Freedom

I remember hearing this phrase ‘structure and discipline equals freedom’. It is very true when breaking down what it means to guide oneself by applying structure and discipline, then leading to self-mastery. Everyone needs a structure to guide ourselves into, and everyone initially needs the discipline to follow it, with the hope (meaning expectation and desire) of achieving more internal and external freedom, and the only freedom is to choose that which is best for everyone and everything here, without allowing personal limitations in perspective to cause us to choose otherwise.

Without structure nothing would exist. Without self-discipline, you never teach yourself, without being a disciple, you never learn. And without ever learning, you never become a master (having or showing very great skill or proficiency), of yourself, the skill, the habit. In other words, being and becoming self-competent, being the personal directive principle of yourself, and using that to master real life skills and things that are useful.

I have no real structure other than the fact that I brush my teeth daily, I use TechnoTutor daily (even if it’s just for a moment), I write regularly – but not every day, I eat everyday – but not at scheduled times or a set amount of meals or food each day. I am doing interviews and presentations almost weekly, I’ll miss a week here and there due to changes we are making on the interview side of things or I just do not book a presentation that week on the presentation side of things, but most weeks I’ll do interviews and presentations.

If I really look at it, this business, my life, any business really, any child, any relationship, anything, it won’t be developed passively – it would die before that, especially in the beginning phases.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail in planning and creating, following and implementing a solid, ruthless, relentless structure for myself to build a solid foundation of self-trust and to build that in others through the world buy sharing myself and my process with them. In this I would be creating some type of structured routine where I can keep myself accountable and where I use TT, write self-forgiveness, I study information and have fun, I read, I focus a dedicated period of time to reach out to people to build my business (focus on and grow my 20, 6, or 1), I follow up with people, present to them, and close them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust the process, as I have not yet trusted myself to walk it effectively and consistently to take apart my own fears and limitations, and to build my understanding of the world and how reality works, and do so by applying a basic structure to myself and my day, week, month, quarter and year, just like a company would for their managers, and workers, and me being the owner of myself, where I need to do ‘the work’, manage things, and have the vision of a leader and owner all at the same time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I follow someone as a disciple now, their proven method or system, I fear that I will be a follower forever and a slave forever, as within my mind I try to maintain this high-ground where I don’t need anyone and I can do it all on my own and figure it out on my own. Not trusting that I will be able to see the flaws, outpoints and mistakes, so I can perfect the process and that’s where I create it as my own, pronouncing my resonant signature of personal responsibility that I’ve developed that’ll attract a certain group to come into my life longer term, those who want to change, and propel us where we change together in our process, where we can then implement solutions to change this world for what is best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how by not having structure and the discipline to follow it initially, is self abuse, when I have created that structure to support myself in building consistency and leveling up within self-trust and my process, and using all of that to support others and supporting others through building my business and sharing the tools of change I have and am using for myself to change for real.

 

Day 8: Things Aren’t Moving Fast Enough!

 

I have felt like I have been in a stuck pattern for a few months now. Although things around me are moving and happening, within my self-honesty I have notice I am NOT moving myself equal to the speed I am capable of performing at with constancy, consistency and sustainability. Within this moment if I were to die, I would feel regret, as right now in my life, I am trying to rush everyone and everything else, but am not fulfilling my personal responsibility within my role in my life by not do everything I can possibly do to make myself better, and make the world a better place.

I have come to a strong realization through speaking with those close to me, that my own objection is the one I’ll keep getting. Or said in other words ‘the objection I keep getting, is the one I have’.

Now I am in the place and position to do, do and do; live, live and live, be here, and trust, as I now don’t live with anyone, I don’t work anymore at the laundry business I used to own having sold it a couple of months ago, and now is go time. No one to take care of, no one to cater for, but myself. Instead of this being a punishment, it should be a freedom to explore right now. A freedom to see, who I really am, what I can accomplish, and how many fears, limitations, and challenges can I overcome and walk through in this period of time, which will NOT last forever, or very long at all.

I have been waiting on a few big things to come through, mainly 3 that come to mind. Firstly, my partners travel visa application to get approved. Secondly, a huge amount of money to come through for a deal that was done. And thirdly, a remortgage to pull through as well.

And really the biggest thing that “I am waiting on” is My-Self to build my business effectively and consistently. All of the other stuff is really of no concern with this one point being solved, because they all will revolve around this one point of how effective I am and can become. I also just realized that these other things are all just distractions to focus on as they are beyond my control at this point, I’ve done everything I can do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become impatient thinking “Things aren’t moving fast enough”, within that phrase blaming the world, outside reality, and others for things not moving fast enough in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear things not moving as fast as I would like and imagine in my mind, where I have set myself up for failure by projecting how reality should line up with my personal self-interest not realizing that things take time to manifest in physical reality, and that it is important and best to consider all in each move, decision and project.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others, as well as blame myself for the results and consequences I am experiencing now vs stepping up within myself and stepping out to walk through and correct and change what caused all of this in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how ‘I Am Not Moving Fast Enough’, and therefore projecting that onto reality thinking ‘these things, people, situations are not moving fast enough’, knowing that as I am moving at the speed of the physical, or breath, I wouldn’t not feel that way, as I am present Here while moving with and through breath.

I commit myself to using breath to equalizing the connection of Me to reality, what is Here.

Day 7: Redefining Loud

I remember when hearing the school bell at school, I would be happy for the next class, recess or lunch or even for school to end. On the opposite I would be anxious, sad, or fearful to hear the bell ring when class would be starting, because I knew I had to do work and things I didn’t enjoy in some classes.

Throughout my life I have been a quiet person relatively speaking, my two brothers were always very loud and vocal. I was never that way unless I really wanted something. I see that when my mother would yell and scream at us, I would go into a shock, a fright, and dreadful fear, then she would sometimes hit us, to lock the pain, fear and internal suffering. This caused me to resent loud things, loud noises, loud sounds, loud people. It is not so much that the loud things are “bad” as I mentally labelled it, it is really that intention or starting point of THAT sound. I have used loud sound to persuade and get what I want and what was best for a group – that is good thing, that is equal to God which is Good, and God and Good are being in accordance with what is physically Here. That IS the method, road map, and code of conduct to live what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loud things, loud noises, loud people, and loud bells, alarms, and loud sounds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loud sounds because I associate that with the memory of my mother yelling, yelling at me, my dad, my brothers, and which at times led to physically beating me or some type of punishment; mentally, emotionally or physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my own voice because I have a fear of being too loud.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that loud is bad, or another way of saying it is loud equals bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore, suppress, and refuse to acknowledge the ways that loud is actually really good and best, in speaking up and speaking out, getting someone to hear you clearly especially if there is noise in the room or if they are far away, or for any sound to get someone’s attention in the best way.

I forgive myself for not living the word loud.

I forgive myself for fearing to be loud and obnoxious because I think that people will judge me as rude, evil, bad and controlling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that loud means rude, evil, bad and controlling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as rude, evil, bad and controlling when I act loud or do something that is loud, because I feel I am disturbing others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others as bad, evil, rude, and controlling when they are loud in their voice, or did something that caused a loud noise as I feel they are disturbing me in my life, my day. Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto this memory of my mom loudly interrupting me when I was playing and having fun – when playing soccer in the driveway or playing video games inside, then associating her loud voice and volume with no more fun, no more play, reacting in fear each time hearing her loud voice whether it was for something good or something bad, or something neutral she wanted to communicate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and hide as a quite person/personality out of the fear of not wanting to be loud.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see loud as equalling gaudy, ignorant, show off, or annoying idiot, that was programmed into me from the media and my environment growing up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into reaction and become the shy, quiet, serene, peaceful, silent monk type-a-guy, all out of fear of being loud, and judging loudness.

I forgive myself for now allowing myself to be as loud as I need to be.

I realize that I need to be loud in order to communicate a clear message at many times.

I realize that I associated loud to mean something bad happened or was going to happen, because of the memories of my mother yelling as a child and the school bell ringing as I didn't want to be in class to be in class in the first place as a young kid most of the time, and the school bell resembled schooling to me. I didn't like the part of sitting down and being forced to learn something. I just wanted to play and hang out with the friends I met at school, during recess or after school.

I realize that I need to be loud to influence many people at a given time and use loudness to “take up space” in a room or conversation or meeting, as loud means volume, not only in the up and down of sound, but also volume means space 3 dimensionally, and living loudness through volume in any and all dimensions of who I am and in life. Loud: “Characterized by or producing sound of great volume or intensity”, and using intensity to take up space and time also.

I realize that my posture, composure, body language, dress, look, house, car, style, presence, resonance NEEDS to live the word loud if I am going to be able to accomplish what I need to do in order to change the system within my lifetime.

I realize is it okay and best for all to be loud within self-honesty.

I realize that loud is good. Loud is god. Loud is physical.

I realize that I am loud.

I realize that I have suppressed being loud out of a fear of judgment, fearing others will judge me for being loud, but in reality these have been my own judgments that I have now forgiven myself for, and any and all judgments that come up in relation to the word loud, I can now see and identify it as being my own projections where I am limiting myself through separation of what ‘loud’ really is and means.

I realize that ‘loud’ means characterized by or producing sound of great volume or intensity, and that in order for more people to here me, I must become louder. The louder I am, the more people can hear me mathematically speaking.

When and as I see myself wanting to and trying to be quiet to get a feeling of security, or go into a personality or character that is not Self-Willed, I stop and I breathe. I realize in that moment I have come from inferiority, insecurity and fear, where I have in the past gone into suppression, and same moment when it next comes up, I direct myself to Will myself to express myself LOUDLY and CLEARLY instead of mumbling, fumbling and bumbling my words and mouth, so the OTHER PERSON gets and hears my message fully, completely and clearly.

I realize that I caused myself to become a quiet person out of reaction, and I realize I can change it because these beliefs have limited me greatly in expressing myself and pursuing Life – that which is best for all, as well as in sales, basic communication, persuasion, building my business, building my relationships, and more.

I realize if it is to be, it is up to me, to speak up, speak out, and claim, grasp, attain, and achieve the attention I deserve, by putting attention on myself and my process first, walking the point thoroughly and completely even if it takes days, weeks, months, or years, until I am equal to my potential in a word or point.

I commit myself to living the word loud.

I commit myself to producing the character within me of being loud, producing great volume or intensity, using the starting point of convincing, persuading and influencing people to join the movements that I am working with so we create a world where everyone has their basic needs met, and no more suffering exists. I commit myself to sharing GIN, Desteni, TechnoTutor and Self-Perfected in the loudest ways possible to attract the most attention possible to get the most amount of people possible walking their Self-Perfection process.

I commit myself to looking at any major reoccurring thoughts, feelings, emotions and backchat that comes as a Loud point to look at, work on, and clear. Then after that, look at how I can use my body, my resonance, my vocal cords, and what I know of and also looking at what I can learn to move to the next phase and level in “Loud-ing” this message of Self-Perfection all over the planet. Then doing it through my words as the living word, and implement systems that automate this process or processes.

I commit myself to being loud in every breath, seeing that the volume of my Self, my resonance, my life will determine how loud I can be in the world – which will be equal to my influence in the world.

I commit myself to letting go of all fear that comes up around being loud and all self-judgment around loud, loudness, loud activities, loud talking, lecturing, or laughing, loud signing or dancing, or loud ways of expressing myself, and letting go of any judgments I have of others being loud, as I know it is coming from my own fears and insecurities.

I commit myself to becoming louder and louder every year, and over every period of time, where I move into and as loudness, with a loud and high volume of sound and mass, where I move high volumes of people and money in the direction and into the presence of Life itself through who I am and my example, and into systems that support all life within oneness and equality.

I commit myself to becoming the epitome of Loud as I know with certainty this, and this alone, has been one of my greatest fears and points of resistance, where, when and as I am loud, I cannot hide anything, I am fully exposed and open to the public, open to attack, open to the world, on the spotlight, and that is where I must stand within equality and oneness with life, where I tip the scales from evil to live, and do so within my lifetime. And if I fail, set up the next generation to do so within their lifetime.

I commit myself to fearlessly living loud.

Day 6: Forgiveness as the "Father" Character

 

I forgive myself I have accepted and allowed myself to be a complete mess in relation to how I groom myself, keep my room and home, my tools, my hygiene, my commitment to my family, and my spouse/partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to spend enough time with my family and children when they were growing up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect my wife at times when she needed me, emotionally, physically, mentally, and structurally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend majority of my time working and with work friends and colleagues, without considering the needs of my wife and children.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as my family, my home, my car, my career, and my friends, vs the principles that I live by in every breath, every day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come home later at night most days, and  point-blank ask for a favour to my family (as if they are my business partners or something) without taking the time to chat with them, build more intimacy, trust, connection, love: as giving as I wish to receive, and getting to know them better, know who they are, what they are going through, and guide them to what they can become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to coward, be afraid of, and back down when my wife got emotional, not seeing/realizing/understanding that there was something that she was missing and could not have expressed it, and by me not being stable enough to ask questions and go deeper with her, I instead reacted in fear of loss, blaming myself, feeling like I am not able to solve her problem, and then not even trying at all in the end, allowing myself and therefore her to become more disbalanced and allowing the problems/issues to compound within self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this identity as “The Father/Dad/Hard-ass” for myself, being cold, irrational trying to prove my points as right so I do not look bad as the man of the house, and pushing my kids, my wife, my family and friends to be something that is similar to who I am, the rock, the asshole, creating separation within me from myself within my mind, and creating my position in the family as superior to/towards my wife and kids, not seeing them as equals as life, that is a part of the whole, the oneness of our family, or all life here on earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become emotionally numb and suppress my emotions in front of my partner because I do not want her or my children to think I am weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be weak, and to be weak by not expressing myself, and suppressing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my emotions to hide them from others close to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear looking weak in a moment, situation or event. Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the fear of feeling weak to stop me from doing what I must do that I know will yield feedback that I can use to progress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being lead in a moment by a female, so I take a superior stance in every position acting out of inferiority, when in fact this makes no sense at all, because men and women are a balance to what creates the solid relationship agreement of 1+1=2, and we will have strengths and weakness in many different categories that are similar and different, and where we have a weak point where our partner is strong – that gives us a chance to be supported by one who is stable within the point, as a net benefit to the whole, so we can develop our weak points so we no longer reside in weakness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play the role of the bread winner, where that becomes my entire focus, and I forget about any and everything else as they have become secondary to my primary focus, and that primary focus is that one and only thing that really matters to secure my self-interested position in the world system of money and satisfy the hungry energy cravings within.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to fully see and understand the benefit and value I can provide as a father figure by working hard and in a highly focused manner, leading my family in the world system and education in the areas I comprehend, and continuously increasing my level of education and vocabulary while moving myself to be of more value so I can raise healthy, strong and stable children in this world.

When and as I see myself getting possessed by this Father character I have created in my life and mind, I stop, and I breathe. I realize that the role of a father is courage, to walk into fears and challenges head on, with determinism to overcome them and become more stable within and through walking those points, to be a guide for the family as a whole, while valuing each part as equal, because without the wife as security and to support the inside of the home, as I create the structure, there would be nothing of real value.

I commit myself to seeing through the full point of becoming a Father who Lives Love as Life, who for-gives myself and all, giving the necessary internal reflection of stability of myself and external to others to support myself and themselves to be a Father that which is best for all life.

I commit myself to fully realizing to value of a family, and nurturing that group to the best outcome possible, where we create a world that is best for all life, where instead of fearing our neighbours, we can trust our neighbours.

I commit myself to Fathering myself first, and Mothering myself, so I can then support others in the family dynamic as an emotionally stable father.

I commit myself to walking through every point and developing the understanding to all the reasons why I neglected my spouse, my children and others, as my role within who I am, my family and in the world system of money, and to redefine every causal issue where I compromised myself, so I can live the redefinition to living in the best way possible for myself, my family, and all life as equals as one.

I commit myself to support any and all fathers to become the best father and person they can be.

I commit myself to walking with courage when and as fear arises within me.

I commit myself to support my wife and kids in the best ways possible to become the best versions of myself and themselves, and supporting myself so I can support them in the best ways possible.

I commit myself to filling every need myself and my wife would have so we have a Self-Perfected relationship together and become Self-Here, and fulfilling every need my children would have, so they become Self-Perfected and Self-Here. And every and all places where I am imperfect not creating the best possible outcome in every moment, I expand that, open it up with self-honesty, self-forgiveness writing, and self-correction, then perfect the point and all points in its’ complete entirety.

 

Day 5: Participating in the group

Every time I go to do a group call or participate in a group, I become fearful, afraid. I am worried of what others will think of me. I am afraid of judgement. I am afraid of saying something stupid. I can remember having to go up in front of people, family and friends at a GCMA (Guyanese Caribbean Muslim Association) function, and not wanting to do it feeling nervous, anxious, and insecure, because I can remember auntie X and other’s making fun of us as kids when we would show insecurities and make mistakes when speaking and saying things and especially when we were in front of others it would be exaggerated (the mistake we made).

I can remember walking up to the podium and taking the mic, because I was too small, I stood beside the podium and began reciting an easy surah I knew so I wouldn’t make a mistake. I remember everyone’s eyes staring at me, some interested, some judgmental, some in adornment. I began reciting, shaking within, as I heard people sometimes talking or making noises in the background, I thought they were talking about me and making fun of me under their breath. This was very unlikely for many of the cases other than maybe more so for those who’ve known me very well. And, even though, still likely not true in most cases I thought that.

I was naturally unsure and afraid because the times I have been singled-out by adults was usually when either I did something wrong, or they knew something I didn’t know and I would feel like I am being put on the spot and was left out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of speaking in groups or in public because I thought others would make fun of me and shame me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was being harshly judged by everyone in the crowd and people would not like me if I didn’t perform well, and I forgive myself for carrying such burden up to the stage with me with such uncertainty, fear and self-doubt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly make fun of others to feel better about myself and my performance when in reality I was just trying to cover up the fact that I have felt very insecure and unsure about myself, without any self-trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress and hide my true fullest expression because I have been afraid of putting myself out there and not getting the desired response back, fearing rejection and having the need to have others accept me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek approval and acceptance from others, friends, family, and people who are part of groups that I associate with because as a child, to some extent, I believed I never fully felt accepted and unconditional love from my mother and father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compensate with shiny objects and things, and success, and results, to cover up my insecurities in groups while speaking, I could hide my true self with my mind and ego to protect myself in case of any outside threats; not seeing how this was actually physically causing a great build up of suppression, backchat, thoughts, feelings and emotions, that have created a character of Kian (Me) of being a shy person in groups and not expressing myself fully and completely as I would in a one-on-one or in close intimate groups where I am very comfortable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and stick to one-on-one’s because I am actually fearful of having to speak in groups and present things in groups – where, if I messed up, they would likely remember and I would feel terrible about thinking I am a loser because I messed up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and walk through this point of participating in groups just in my mind, to the point where I can mental mastermind and think I get the value out of that, but in reality it does nothing and perpetuates the cycle.

When and as I see myself not wanting to participate in the group, I stop and breathe. I realize that the ONLY way to defeat the Ego and become one and equal with Life is to work as a group allowing myself to be checked in real time always, in-all-ways, like a child that is being raised as I rebirth myself as Life.

I realize that I cannot fight the Ego alone, but instead I must stand and move in the physical as myself, as an individual, within the group so I have personal principles that I live buy that are best for all, so when I stand in the group I can receive the support I need and as well as give support when I see fit and it is practical.

I realize that I cannot win in business without a team or partner (like Asif for example), and to think that I can do it alone is simply a lie I am telling myself in my mind.

I realize that I may be able to get wealthy and succeed financially as an individual all alone, but to walk that journey and to live that life would be the greatest devastation of my integrity and physical body/life on this earth, if I didn’t support others along the way and build a business were I become the best I can be by and through supporting myself and others equally, working as a team.

I realize that I have no chance on my own to live the bullshit imaginary dreams and fantasies that I have flirted with, that have been programmed into me through movies, songs, imagery from the “image-makers”, and this is literally the separation of the mind-consciousness-system pulling me away and out of society.

I commit myself to seeing through the full call today with the Self-Perfected group.

I commit myself to building my business = making money = supporting people all as equals, in that order so I can stay plugged in and continue to grow as a person giving life to all, as I am becoming life as one.

I commit myself to reaching out to others as I get down, or feel depressed, so I can have another point of self-honest self-reflection where I cannot deceive myself in that moment.

I commit myself to continuing to expand on anything and everything that holds me back from participating in groups that have a purpose of becoming the best versions of themselves, even if many of the group members are not there yet.

I commit myself to redefining new vocabulary when it comes to being in and around groups, so I begin to live a different expressing within and as the group.

I commit myself to developing the ability to lead and influence larger and larger groups as I go through my process, as it will be necessary to influence as many as possible to walk their process and walk it effectively where we are all supporting one another so people fall less and less, and we stop all abuse together as a group, and change the system to that which is best for all.

I commit myself to living what it means to be one and equal to a group, a group that is sound in principles of self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application.

Poem: The Journey To Life

The journey to life isn’t always easy,

We live in a world full of war, crime and disaster.

How do we justify our right to live,

When we have not acted on the Answer?

The journey to life isn’t always fun,

sometimes we work in vain.

We live to show who we can be,

Without dishonesty, fear and pain.

The journey to life can continue,

as we wish it to be.

The journey to life is what we make of it,

Like the fruit of a bearing tree.

A Recent Poem

Inspired by Self-Trust:

For all those who have passed away,
And have left their wisdom behind.
It is but a waste,
Unless we Live what they had written--in Body and mind.
The libraries full of books stacked to the rim,
It is up to us to embody therein.

From Heaven to Hell,
Back to the moment Here.
We say Hell-o to each other,
Because that's the Life we have Created Here.
Let's bring about a real Heaven on Earth,
Where the word 'Even' within 'Heaven' is Lived.
We have only One Life to make it happen,
And that's the Life we Live.

-KN