Taking on the mother character:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to yell, scream at, and beat my children.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to repeat the patterns of my parents, the patterns of them yelling, screaming and beating me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad, sorry for, and pity my mother, who was weak, broken, and poor.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate my father for leaving my mother with nothing, and being with other women physically, emotionally, sexually, and supporting them financially, where me and my mother didn't have the best life because we were neglected.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize, and understand how by my mother making the decisions she made, it was likely for her life to be such a wreck by sleeping around as a whore, and getting into alcohol and possibly other drugs as well.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never fully forgive my parents, for who they were within their lives and circumstances, never fully considering, understand and supporting them as I would like to or need to be supported if I were in their shoes, with their lives, with their history.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like a lost person, a lost child, a lost being, because I never got to know my father until I was 12 years old, being confused about who I am, asking myself questions of "Why did daddy leave us, why did he leave me with mommy alone?", "Where is daddy?", "Why can't anyone tell me the truth?". Then it all started to make sense when I found daddy. I found out about who he was, and why he was that way.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be in constant fear around daddy, because I never knew when he would beat, be drunk, be crazy, ask me to go do work when I just wanted and needed to relax, and I always felt I was constantly threatened with mental, emotional, and physical abuse.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have always guarded myself from men sexually because I didn't not want to end up like mommy, sleeping around, poor, and being physically and sexually abused by men, accepting and allowing that for myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overly obsessed with money and finance like daddy was, because he always taught me and told me, "As long as you have money, you'll be fine". And within that statement I felt protected, secure, and confident. Not realizing that I build up this alter-ego around money, work life, and social status in relation to financial well-being, where I forgot how to look at and be honest with my emotions, then suppressing everything to work and make more and more and more money, just in order to survive and feel comfortable, where I have this sense of myself and feeling that no one can fuck with me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself that I am giving my all to my children, without looking deeper within myself, and just playing preprogrammed patterns from my parents and reaction to who they were, where I replicated the sins of the fathers and mother before me in my ancestors.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to constantly and continuously talk to my children in a way that is negative, demeaning, demanding and unsupportive, and then after that still demand the utmost respect from them in the way they talk to me and address me, not seeing and understand that they have become resentful, impatient, and untrustworthy towards me, because I have been untrustworthy, impatient and resentful towards them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my father for all the bad that has happened to me, think thoughts like "I HATED MY FATHER!" where I never considered and looked at how he was parented and haven't realized that if I was in his position, I would have acted the exact same way. While not doing the self-forgiveness and self-correction needed before he died to release these pattern that were passed down to me and that I've developed over my lifetime, to be able to become equal to the being, the character of my father, and support as one and equal.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my husband for not being a good father, when he did everything within his understanding, and not look at myself and where I needed to take more responsibility in supporting him, instead of just yelling at him, shaming him, blaming and attacking him as I did, because that what was done to me by my father.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for everything that happened to mommy and daddy, and my brother who suffered miserable lives, and feeling completely responsible for it all, while feeling powerless about not being able to do much about it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like give and I give, and I give everything and get nothing back in return.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give not unconditionally, but giving and keeping score, while expecting something back from the person or people I gave to because I believe that if I give, I should receive back, rather than giving without any expectation and need to get back from that person, place, or thing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do so much physical work and provide so much value to my family and others around me financially, and then I try to support them by any way I can, and never getting that feeling of satisfaction from helping them, because the thanks or appreciate I get is never as valuable as what I provide to them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how - because I was wise and was able to take more responsibility because of all that I've been through I actually had to develop the quality and skill of giving more to others than I would initially receive, but in that process I developed, became better, became strong and increase my intelligence through experience, trial and error, where no one else got this valuable experience because they never understood their life purpose.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that I got my life purpose and developed purpose through and from daddy, and he's the reason why I was able to get to Canada and have the life and family I did.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my children were my life purpose and to not find out and know how to not abuse them by changing my abusive patterns.
I realize that my life purpose was to bring children in this world and raise them well and continue to support them along their journey.
I realize that I could have done many things differently if I could go back.
I realize that I have been very impatient with Raf, and my kids and other people close to me, but I have been able to suppress and by very patient with old people at work and others as well who needed me. I realize that my family needed this stability on a regular daily basis, and I didn't provide it along the years.
I realize that I would lash out, freak, get anxious, nervous, and go crazy and traumatize my kids and my x-husband, instead of being kind and nurturing when they needed it the most.
I realize that I can change these habits and patterns, and I should continue to reach to my children every once in a while, and try to support them.
I realize that I first need to take care of and start supporting myself by working less and less, to the point where I can settle down and retire.
I realize that my children will be okay, and I must let go of the fear that turns into love, because it is causing problems that are evident and are pushing all of us away.
I realize that my children do care about me deep down inside, and that they are now working on becoming men, and they need to walk their journey in order to heal.
I commit myself to reparenting myself RIGHT NOW because I wasn't raised in the best ways, and I need to do this if I want to STOP the cycle of abuse to my children now.
I commit myself to learning to communicate with my mother and father, so when they die and I die, I would have already settled the major programs that they've passed down to me that were negative and limiting me.
I commit myself to slowing down, not getting angry when and as Asif, Kian or Riyadh start getting frustrated and angry at me and slowing down to the point where I can address them with calm, clarity, certainty, ease, and support them where they are at in the moment.
I commit myself to spending any and all amounts of time need with them, in any given moment or phase of life, to understand them, and not try and rush through some problem, where both or all parties leave emotionally stable, balanced and have empathy and understanding for one another.
I commit myself to parenting myself, my children and my family in ways that are best for all.
I commit myself to being the best wife I can be for my husband and supporting him in the best ways to be a great husband and father, and communicating with him regularly, daily, with patience and understand to create a livable, supportive family and parenting dynamic where we are adding value to each other rather than destroying each other, and understanding the differences between male and female needs and characteristics, and being honest and open with him about what I want, and letting him express what he wants in the relationship, while also challenging each other in a direct, calm, supportive way, where we both become the best versions of ourselves.
