Day 2: My Ideal Mate

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a skinny girl as my partner. Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a skinny girl that is skinnier than I am so I can feel more masculine and powerful in comparison to her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the desire to only be with a girl that is shorter than me and I am taller than her, so I look more powerful and superior in the mind of myself, herself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being with a girl that is younger than me in age so I can feel superior and ahead of her in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be with a girl that I have more money than.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be with a girl that I am smarter than so I feel superior, while at the same time I desire to be with a girl that is smarter than me so she can teach our kids and they turn out smart, causing me to have cognitive dissonance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the need to feel superior to my ideal/potential mate in every category of life: intelligence, physical health and strength, personal development and in process, money/work/business/finances, relationships, social standing, family and lifestyle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer a certain race over another due to media programming and social influences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how my judgment of women and my ideal female partner are my own self-judgments, and are destroying any chances of me being in a successful relationship agreement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and feel intimidated by any woman I find attractive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself judge women and their quality based on how physically attractive I think they look based on my own biases, fantasies and imaginations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created this perfect girl in my head, that will magically come to me and submit to my desires of wanting to be with her, and in that imagination process there is no friction, no conflict and life is perfect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reach out to women, talk with them, and when it comes to sharing the point that I want to be in a relationship with them and I would like to start dating, I stop there and drift away from them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of what my mother, my father, my brothers, my extended family, my friends, other people and strangers will think of me and my ideal partner being together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project the worst case scenario of me finally finding and being with my ideal partner and the entire time I am never at rest because of all my internal judgment of myself and her, and thinking/feeling that other people are eyeing my girlfriend or wife and they are jealous of me because I am with her and they are not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous of other men who have really attractive and caring, kind, beautiful wives who support them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel envy around X being with Y.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up internally to some extent on having a successful relationship with a partner because I never was able to see an example growing up and didn’t understand what it what took to achieve a successful relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into copying my mother’s outlook on what a great partner should be like, in terms of good looks, hardworking, having a steady stable job, religious, middle class, obedient to the system, not an outlier.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be with a girl that impresses my mom and dad mostly, and my grandmother as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself dancing with my ideal mate in my mind at an event where I feel uncomfortable and shy because I am thinking about what other people are thinking of us.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only desire a mate that would create a good public image for me, and that everyone and all my friends and family would think she’s hot and attractive, and smart, and cute and good looking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to apply racism in the process of selecting a mate and wanting to only select the highest quality of race and mate that would contribute to me and our kids’ socioeconomic status in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in the process of looking for someone who would be a great fit to my life, what I want to achieve and what I think is best, and who I think would be a great mother to the children I have in the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place the highest quality of a partner for me as physical attraction, when in reality physical attraction will not last and having that at the head of a relationship is not ideal in creating a real relationship that is best, or best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to treat women that I find attractive different than other females based on this energy movement within me of anxiety, fear, trying to prove myself, trying to be someone/something I am not to impress this girl/these women.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in the situation of talking to a girl that people will think of me as wanting to be with her, flirting with her, wanting to take advantage of her and have sex with her, in a negative light, where I resist showing who I am in that moment to cover my desires of actually wanting to get to know her and potentially wanting to be with her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have experienced emotional turmoil in this memory of being at a wedding when I was younger and the older people in my family would tell me to look at the girls dancing and then make fun of me for it, so I would be confused of what to do and how to act, in fear of being punished for doing the wrong thing and acting in the wrong way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so worried about what other people will think of me if I directly show that I am interested in a female, that I stop and resist moving forward and showing my interest because of the fear of judgment of others, which is really just me judging myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been trapped by religious programming to have thought and believed that I must find one girl, who is a Muslim and marry her, and be with her forever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and think because of family programming that I want to be with a brown girl and a Guyanese girl so she fits in with the family and understand our jokes so people don’t make fun of her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to mold the person I want to be with to the early programming I received from my parents, family, religious viewpoints, and media programming, to the point where I ruled out every possibility there is, while waiting for this perfect girl that doesn’t exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I must be perfect and everything in my life: financially, health wise, business wise, my current family and relationships, must be perfect for me to be with a partner that is best for me and I am best for her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a partner that is best, as “the best possible partner” as if there is only one girl on this planet that I can be with and if I don’t pick the right or perfect or only one, than I will experience a life of hell.

I realize within that, that a partner that is best, a partner that I am best for and is best for me, to create children that are best, would be someone who is simply willing to walk process step by step with me, and someone who pushes me to be better and I can push them to be better and someone who is willing to walk through their resistances so we together can perfect ourselves.

I realize all the doubts I have or judgments I have about a potential or ideal partner are simply the way I have been judging myself and doubting myself.

I commit myself to exploring every area I judge women and how I look at them as a potential partner in one way and disqualify them in another way judging a specific aspect of them, their appearance or their behaviour.

I commit myself to continuing to redefine what an ideal partner would be and mean to me, and taking it apart to understand what is practical.

I commit myself to developing myself to the point where the partner I’d like to be with also would like to be with me because of the person I am, for who I am.

I commit myself to working on the judgments I have of women.

I commit myself to working on the judgments and definitions I have associated with hot, sexy and attractive women.

I commit myself to cleansing the eyes that I use to look at women, so that when I look, I am clear and can see the woman clearly as who she is in physical reality without judgment or bias.

I commit myself to using the clarity I develop within my approach to creating a relationship with a partner that is best for all, to developing conversation with potential partners to get to know who they are, and what they see for themselves.

I commit myself to developing the willingness and courage to guide a female partner in life to creating a world and a life that is best for all.

I commit myself to releasing all of my judgments of what I think an ideal partner would be or look like for me, that isn’t real.

I commit myself to letting go of the ideal that I need to find someone ASAP and we need to have kids as young as possible.

I commit myself to letting go of the need to be with an attractive woman, that all my friends and family think is attractive to validate and prove myself that I am worthy.

I commit myself to open up and look at all my projections I place onto a woman to be a certain way, act a certain way, and realize this is unconscious programming within me and my mind of trying to control another human being’s behaviour for my mind to stay in charge and control of me and stay superior, and when this doesn’t happen it has a reverse affect where I lose control and become a victim within my mind and as myself feeling, acting, being inferior to the situation/environment/person.

I commit myself to letting go of the need to be and feel superior to my potential mate/ideal mate in all categories in life, such as: money, business, communication, health, relationships, social status, education, etc. and if she is more effective in one of those areas I dismiss her as a potential mate because in that moment of realizing her superiority in that category, I generalize it to everything and give up, feeling powerless like I can never lead this woman, as equals in life because of this one category that I have a feeling/emotional reaction to. Instead of looking at it as an advantage where I am weak and seeing how we support each other in our weak areas because one is more proficient where we together can learn and grow from one another and become truthfully our best selves’ overtime and have our relationship stand for what is best for all life.

I commit myself to opening up myself and becoming more vulnerable to other people and especially women, and even more when I see that I would like to be in a relationship with a girl, so that we both feel comfortable sharing things with each other that allow us to see ourselves and the other person as who they are, where they have been, and what they are experiencing so we develop an understand for one another and ourselves and develop self-trust and trust within our relationship through sharing our secrets and secret mind.

I commit myself to develop a relationship from the starting point of what is best for all.

I commit myself to developing a relationship to support myself and my partner in a way that is best for both of us mutually and equally.

I commit myself to seeing a relationship as two people who come together based on an agreement that equally supports both parties as one. Where they both are safe to share themselves and challenge themselves and each other without the judgment of one another, so both can grow in an area of trust and commitment based on principles that are best for all.